Once upon a time I had readers here. It was a nice thing for me. Since I haven’t posted a word since August 2015 I thought I should provide an update. If you follow me over on Twitter, you probably know a lot of this, but I encourage you to check out some of my older posts. I think they’re pretty great and still relevant.
I’m not going to go into a lot of details just yet. I process well through writing but talking about details may not be in my capacity just yet. Even more important, I have yet to get to a point where I can put enough thoughts together to constitute a coherent post. However, I know taking a few tentative steps is important, so here is my first attempt to talk about What Went Wrong.
So - the relationship with my long term, live in boyfriend rotted and fell apart over the last two and a half years. There was mental, emotional, and physical abuse and a lot of unhealthy behaviors. Somehow I didn’t see them until circumstances forced me to see them. By the time I finally left I was not in very good shape. I’m still not. I thought relationships like that didn't happen to women like me, so I was the perfect victim.
Around two years ago an event at my office caused the atmosphere to turn dysfunctional and toxic. Looking back, I was far too afraid to write about it here but I wish I would have. There were appeals to the higher ups, protests, and struggles - all to no avail. Trust in management tumbled dramatically and paranoia destroyed our ability to work in teams. Everyone was frightened they would be the next victim of unclear expectations or personal vendettas, resulting in an unrelenting atmosphere of "cover your ass". The people I used to see as family became strangers, became enemies ready to throw me under the bus simply to avoid management even perceiving they misstepped in the slightest.
This didn’t occur overnight but grew slowly. By last summer it was full blown. If I hadn’t been dealing with the above mentioned relationship problems maybe I could have fought it or at least been strong enough to walk away. Regardless, I was profoundly unhappy and had no where to turn. The message was clear: mess with management and you will face retribution. I became more and more alienated from my job, I started to have difficulty so much as showing up, and finally I clashed with my supervisor. *That* is a story for a different day.
I tried to hang on but by early this year I couldn't do it anymore, thought stubborn Gummy sure tried. I terrified my family and friends twice, and landed myself in the hospital both times. The second hospital was not about to allow me to leave without a flight to my home town, a home thousands of miles away from my job. I never went back. I couldn't.
I resigned from my job. I don’t know if I will ever return to public defense. Many occurrences at my office burned me in ways I don’t know I will ever recover from. My faith in the system was shattered both my face to face experience with its profound dysfunction and the actions of individuals I believed to be my allies. Where I used to see people helping the less fortunate, I now only see bureaucrats ushering the poor to a fate they know is wrong. I am unsure that I can lend my support to that any longer. Of course, never say never, but that is where I am today.
I have changed a lot as a result of my experiences over the past two years. I will always be here writing about investigation topics (as soon as I put together a coherent post again). However, I want to spend some time exploring how my thoughts have changed, what I have come to believe as a result of my experiences, and fleshing out some of the problems I discussed above.
I want to thank y’all for reading, for our interactions here and on Twitter, and for your support. It means a lot. I hope I can keep writing things you’d like to read and I hope you all keep coming back.